mt. washington ~ local natives

Face stained in the ceiling
Why does it keep saying,
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now

Digging like you can bury
Something that cannot die
Or we could wash the dirt off our hands now
Keep it from living underground

Lazy summer goddess
You can tell our whole empire
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now

I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now
I don't have to see you right now

(the fray)

don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

things I am grateful for pt. 2

- adopted brothers

- sunny mornings

- honesty

- my home at fuze

- Megan telling me it will all be okay

- hugging Emily and Alex 

- strangers

- UFO by Coldplay 

- when God comes through 

- laughter against all odds

- second chances

- when God speaks through Emily

- wanderlust

- Kate. 

- Eliza understanding me without words

- I have the entire summer ahead of me. 

- proving people wrong

- random acts of kindness

- Sky telling me to breathe

statements.

where did my words go?
i wish you didn't have to leave early.
if He doesn't come through, i'm screwed.
someone, teach me how to appreciate life without being sad.
i wish we could be together.
my life is starting, but not in the way i planned.
my mom wants me to take her to target.
she's stumbling over her walker to get to my room, to tell me for the second time.
i'm listening to cancer.
everyone never fails to disappoint me, that's okay.
i'm scared of the summer, i'm scared i won't see you.
i can't sleep at night.
everything good ends sometimes.
i'm sorry.

life motto

"The longer you think, the less you know what to do"

--death cab for cutie

"My head is an animal..."

A rainy morning, heavy eyes

I wonder if you're awake yet

Because you're on my mind,

You're everything I stopped looking to find

I thought about all the things they say

Should I feel guilty, am I to blame?

But I wouldn't go back, not even to change

So I'll let them say discouraging things

I'll let them think they've affected me

There was a song stuck in my head,

Yesterday when I wished I was dead 

But the song wasn't mine so

I couldn't comply

Then your face was etched in the back of my mind

Today I have heavy eyes

But I figure it's fine

s m a l l

tell me what i would like to hear

end the silence i have saved for my fears

they will bring home the pictures

they will bring home the news

and i am keeping my distance from you

i try to make rhymes of how it starts

change the passwords to my hearts

two sides of me fight 

two sides of me breathe

i've always been itching and clawing to leave

the overcast sky reflects my mind

i'd like to be happy, but rather not blind

i can't undo the lines i've painted in ink

i can't go to the places i let myself forget

are we there yet, are we there yet?

are we there, can i sit still

are we there, can i sigh

are we there, can i really

make sense of it all?

i look up at the stars from memory's eye 

and feel nothing but small

Is it alright to be happy for no reason? 

Why did I feel like crying right then and there?

Why did she hug me and ask if I was okay, 

It confuses me when people feel bad for me. 

I miss having a mom, not a sick mom, or a sorry mom, or a maybe-today-she's-sane mom,

I miss that one person who will hug you and make sure you're okay 

Because deep down you both know you aren't. 

I miss her seeing through my facades.

I don't understand why they care so much to talk to me,

When I'm at my worst, and can't figure out why

Or how to get out of it. 

Must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed

Or drank poisoned coffee, right?

Must be because everything at home is a mess,

Or possibly because I'm just depressed and don't  care to confess,

I'll let you decide. 

I felt like crying right then and there

And it felt like old times

"Encompass worlds but never try to encompass me"

Can everything just stay the same?

Or hurry up and change,

Hurry up and change 

*deep breath*

It will all be okay

*deep breath*

Don't die today

*deep breath*

Who cares if they care

i walked into their room last night 

to say goodnight a bit too late

he was reading to her from a book on marriage

like nothing at all had changed

he had his reading glasses 

perched upon his nose

and she was snuggled up under the blankets

breathing slowly

and i knew he loved her the same

despite that i lost count of the months

since august

everywhere i look, something has changed.

my friends aren't as close as we used to be

i've got a job and not much time for family

even on mother's day

i call my nana on the phone and my eyes fill with tears

for no reason at all;

i wish i could tell her everything.

in stephanie's bed where we used to laugh

we talk about how relationships are hard

and love isn't what we thought it was,

although it's still worth it.

and with hannah i discuss work and how

it's weird having a full schedule for once.

with han i tell her how i want to leave all this change,

everything getting different and more complicated and 

(my poem's not rhyming anymore)

and she tells me she feels the same,

and maybe, just maybe,

if we do all the right things and say all the right words

our we'll come to life, right?

but that's not how things work.

i admire izzy because he's free.

doesn't need a magic experience or profound revelation

to be on fire in his everyday life,

he doesn't simply survive,

the joy radiates from his face 

and his new tattoo

and his homeless hair

and how he doesn't care what anyone thinks

save for his Jesus

i've always wanted to ask him what his secret is,

what his secret is to being like the birds my mom loves so much,

but i have a feeling he would tell me something

i already know.

some lessons you have to learn yourself.

and some things i don't want to let go of.

the killers ~ shot at the night

"Once in a lifetime, we're breaking all the rules
To find that our home, has long been out grown
Draw me a life line, 'cause honey I got nothing to lose
Once in a lifetime (Once in a lifetime)
Once in a lifetime

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night"

Beat

And the pulsing of the bass in the backseat bombards my ears like a blast from the past
I'm tired, I'm human.
70 miles per hour in the heavy night has never felt so right
And going against the grain pains me sometimes
So I won't impede the flow of traffic, for now at least
I'm praying to be caught--
As the catchiness of this meaningless rap grabs for my attention
And a motorcycle risks its paint job and passenger to speed ahead of us,
And the greed of my own heart astounds me
Listen to me! Listen.
We all want to be heard, and I the most
So for now I coast
Perhaps for life, perhaps for breath
Perhaps to speed myself to death
Or a ticket, which at my pay rate, is basically the same thing.
My hair smells like her shampoo, my clothes smell like coffee
My feet fidget in the backseat, this car smells too new
And who I am isn't quite… me
I come home exhausted, with more work to do
Way too much on my mind, trying to navigate my life like the GPS in her car,
Only, I haven't read the owner's manual
And this technology is foreign to the way my brain is wired
I'm tired, I'm human, I'm beat.
Light my way like the brights I can't use on IH-20
Because I've got to be more than they tell me I am,
I want to prove I can stay strong
And I have zero excuses
Save for my breaking ears
And the fact that I'm human

My heart is breaking, I'm wondering

Did we mess something up?

She says, "it's a rollercoaster but

It's for the one you love"

"Feel, feel like you still have a choice" 

I feel so at home 

Working away the afternoon,

Passing hours in my house

Feel like a tomb

But here, it's natural. 

Another drink, another smile

Rinse the machines,

Toss the grounds in a pile

Find your place,

Playfully race,

There's a way 

To be okay

And nothing has to be fine 

In your own mind

But you can still find 

Joy in the inevitable

In the consistency

In the steaming of the milk the same way

Over and over again--

I miss routine

I miss trying to be

Better

"I know nothing's wrong but I'm not convinced"

passing away

Everyone wears black
To mirror their insides
They want back what was taken
Selfish hearts beat, breaking

Their loved one has gone
So the love has died
Give them something to lean on,
Kleenex in the church pews

They're thinking of the one
In the coffin
How to live without,
How to die without
Warning

And I have passed away
Much in the same way
But wear whatever you want
While you mourn

Wear purple for the fun we used to have
Wear blue for how easily I cried
Wear red for the way I slowly faded
Red, orange, purple, then blue, then pink

I will become a sunset for you to stare at;
I will make something beautiful out of this passing.

I have tumbled into a better place
Heaven or Hell?
Decide for yourself,
But love hasn't died

Let me live on in cups of coffee and in hidden café's
Amid cities of freedom and people of chains
Graffiti me onto the bridges so they won't jump off:
Life only means passing away

Think about me
Wildly free
How to live without,
How to smile without
Hesitation

Think about passing
Completely blind
How to die without
Fear
How to leap without
Looking--

Look for me in my coffin.
Look for me in the places I used to be.

Say goodbye, one last hug, kiss goodnight,
Walk away slowly, glance back,
Think about how your mind is turning black,
You're all losing me, it makes me laugh
Here's a can of paint for when you feel bad

nine

We stayed up until the storm rolled in

He was so excited when he convinced me

To read Percy Jackson

And for some reason, all my tears came to a halt

As if I was I kid again

Free and wildly ecstatic

About something completely useless

ceilings ~ local natives

"Hold the summer in your hands
'Til the summer turns to sand
We were staring at our ceilings"

Why do I let them have that much power over me? Why does every failure have to be a nail in my coffin? Why can't I hope?

I can't do it on my own. 

But I feel so alone. 

i think that it will be okay. don't ask why, i don't want to sound stupid when i say, "because it feels right."

i tried to write a happy song
it ended up being sad
why is it that good intentions
end up going bad?

They build barbed wire fences

Where houses should be--

I miss you like a photo album

Filled with pieces of the past

And I touch you like a gravestone,

Must love always die?

They build cemeteries in meadows

Where flowers would grow

Now the blue bonnets sprout

Among corpses centuries old

When will the easy thing

Become what is right?

I'm trying to keep untainted sight

The tears won't come tonight

freaking Coldplay

"For you I'd wait till kingdom come; until my days, my days are done--say you'll come, and set me free, just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

"I hear you laugh, I heard you sing, I wouldn't change a single thing"

can someone teach me how to stop time?
i look back on the past and wonder if what i did was right
i look back on yesterday and it went by so fast
i can hear your voice on the phone when i close my eyes

can someone teach me how to stop time?
ben asks if he can sleep in my room again,
i said no but then sneak back thirty minutes later in regret
yes, always yes, you little dear
he writes little songs for a shallow girl who won't ever hear
i always knew he'd turn up just a little bit like me
he's almost double-digits and it feels like a daydream

can someone teach me how to stop time?
we're all working now, pretending we're fine
"nana's little girls" have busy lives
i know it pains her that we're growing up
chocolate milk and donuts don't feel like enough
though we still drink from the old longhorn cups

can someone teach me how to stop time?
she posts pictures on her blog and it strikes a chord in my mind
that all our forevers were hopelessly finite
eternities lost in a camera lens
and we'll want to turn back the clock to "back then"
when did our souls grow old?
when did the sky get dark?
when did the tune of this tragic song
sync up with the beat of my heart?
when did relationships get hard?
when did we not know how to describe
the stuff that is going on in our lives,
so please, someone teach me how to stop time
before it runs out and i realize i was blind

i miss you like the way i miss yesterday
i miss you every time i tell myself it will be okay
i miss you like the grandfather clock in my mind
i don't want us to run out of time
i'm scared i'll look back and realize i was blind
let's not mess this up, i'm trying not to cry
can you teach me how to stop the time?

ed sheeran ~ wake me up

"I should ink my skin with your name
And take my passport out again
And just replace it
See I could do without a tan
On my left hand,
Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle
And I should run you a hot bath
And fill it up with bubbles

'Cause maybe you're loveable
And maybe you're my snowflake
And your eyes turn from green to gray
In the winter I'll hold you in a cold place
And you should never cut your hair
'Cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder

And you will never know
Just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I'm just in love
When you wake me up…"

I ponder of something great

*It's funny how at 1 am you can be super deep and sorrowful and then watch a 27-minute YouTube video about awkward moments and laugh your head off and then start saying stupid things and rambling on and on to yourself while your sister is already halfway asleep across the room and could care less that you're talking to her cuz that's my life*

*also coffee*

Time machine

I want to go back to one moment. The family had eaten dinner out in the backyard, at our picnic table. It was late May, hot and sunny. We all shared our hopeful plans for the summer, visiting colleges and going on vacation and whatnot. We laughed. And I can't often recall what Mom was like healthy, but I remember her in that moment. Head thrown back in laughter, squinting at the sky, naming the birds. She stands infinite in my memory only in that instance, making plans on the precipice of summer. 

I know that it will be summer in heaven. There will be picnic tables and birds, and she will be forever. 

[songs]

I stole this prompt from lovely Emily's blog, hers is better ;)

Your favorite song: (at the moment) Who Knows Who Cares by Local Natives
Your least favorite song: ah, they are far too numerous…
A song that makes you happy: Tunnel by The Used
A song that makes you sad: Without the Bitter the Sweet isn't as Sweet by Mayday Parade
A song that reminds you of someone: S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/ by My Chemical Romance
A song that reminds you of somewhere: The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert
A song that reminds you of a certain event:What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie
A song you know all the words to: I'll Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
A song that you can dance to: I can't dance
A song that makes you fall asleep: Soul's Lament by Philip Wesley
A song from your favorite band: Taxi Cab by Twenty One Pilots
A song from a band you hate: oh goodness, there's quite a few.
A song that no one would expect you to love: Irreplaceable by Beyoncé
A song that describes you: U.F.O. by Coldplay (or What If by Coldplay)
A song that you used to love, but now hate: I'm with Em on this one. Stressed Out by TØP
A song you often hear on the radio: First by Cold War Kids
A song you wish you heard on the radio: None. The radio overplays everythinggggg!
A song from your favorite album: Glass Houses by The Classic Crime
A song that you listen to when you're angry: Thank You For The Venom by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're happy: Angels by Owl City, Step Out by José González, or Midnight by M83
A song you listen to when you're sad: Stay by Mayday Parade, Cancer by My Chemical Romance, City of Orphans by The Classic Crime, Jessica by Regina Spektor, and many others
A song that you want to play at your wedding: Faithfully by Journey (I will most certainly cry), A Message by Coldplay, and The Luckiest by Ben Folds (more tears)
A song you want to play at your funeral: Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC, Young, Wild, and Free by Snoop Dogg, and Don't Let it Break Your Heart by Coldplay
A song that makes you laugh: So What by Pink
A song that you can play on an instrument: I learned Don't by Ed Sheeran once
A song that you wish you could play: The End Of All Things by P!ATD
A song from your childhood: Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees
Your favorite song this time of last year: who knows xD

and for a split second i thought i would write

but my feelings were too deep for words

the music describes it better

the music describes it better

take two

isn't He doing incredible things?
show me again, because I wasn't looking

Purpose

I am not here to be sad,

I am not here to write books

Like my family wishes I would.

I am not meant to be lazy,

Nor a workaholic,

I am not here to find myself in a college degree. 

Someday I may dance for Jesus

On the streets of heaven,

But here my calling is not dance,

Or anything requiring grace for that matter. 

I am not meant to be a mom,

Though I do wish to have kids. 

My calling is not to do wonderful things,

Maybe I should let God do them

Lest I mess things up

But I am not here for self-pity

Or toget depressed over love,

I am not here to lay around

Feeling hopeless with wanderlust,

I don't know what my purpose is

Or exactly why I breathe 

But maybe I'll narrow it down 

--Eventually 

The thing is, do I really need a plan?

I am alive, halfway well,

So I take the next step He tells

And for the rest I'll have to wait

It all requires patience, but that's okay

Maybe I'll find my purpose along the way

the truth

She tries to take on the world and fucks it all up. I sit far away, he accuses me of avoiding her and I do. He never cares to ask why, but I guess it's my fault for not admitting my sins first. In the solitude of my own mind, I remember holding her hand in the cold ICU room, how alone I felt, how earnestly I prayed. I remember the fear of my mom dying not being irrational. And I think over the past few weeks, try to count how many times I've told everyone that she's doing so well. What else am I supposed to tell them? That she's trying so hard to be my mother and she can't do it? That I can barely stay patient and can't find comfort even in prayer for healing? That sometimes it feels like God has fallen under the same oblivion as everyone else in my life? Because she isn't better, as much as I like to tell myself she is.

The cancer owns her and we are all enslaved to it.

She is a puppet dangled in front of me every day, taunting me. Oh, it's a fantastic look-alike. But if you look closely, you'll notice the vague differences.

She wants me to rely on her, treat her like a mother. She wants me to ask her before I do things and stop living life on my own. She wants me to trust her. Well trust me, I want to. Does she know how much she isn't the same? Does she know how much I miss her? Does she know that even the family has fallen victim to the lies? She is not as self-sufficient as she likes to think, and I am left to pick up the slack. We are telling themselves it's okay in hopes that it will be.

It's hard to believe it ever will.

The thing is, though we have our differences, me and my mom are exactly the same person. Hopelessly emotional, irrational, deathly ill with afflictions we can and can't help. I have tried to take on the world and fucked it all up. And maybe that's why I'm so angry at her; I'm angry at myself just the same.

So what even is the point of writing this?

It's the truth, and I'm sick of trying to fool myself. (Although I am pretty damn good at it.)

soft

She has a soft heart in a city of facades,

Everyone wants to be strong,

But she knows it's okay to be kind

She hides her tears behind her eyes

She is an escapist, but also a nurse

Trying to heal all the others' hurts

And we're all interested in our own ideals

Until she shows it's okay to heal

Not all wounds will turn into scars

And her smile isn't affected by her wishes on stars

She paints flowers on the broken jars

Don't call her naive, she'll never be

Don't call her weak, do you not see?

She sees all the lost and doesn't sit back

And she's richer than us all

selfless

Do they even know how strong she is?

No, they never will, but I do. 

She quietly suffers and cares for those around her

Like a soft breeze on a stagnant day,

And I have not often heard her complain

And when she does, it's all okay

Because she feels things deeply and I feel the same

But she doesn't often take time for herself

In the silence of the night, she'll stay up late in thought

She'll feel lonely and won't be able to shut her brain off

And I'll think of her long rants and vague sentences and try

To telepathically write her a note

But it will never be enough for her,

Because I can't be there

Other than a text or rambling prayers 

Does she know how badly I want to give her a hug and encourage her?

No, she never will, but I do. 

Does she know that her smiles could light up a room?

Does she know that it will all be okay soon?

Does she know I want to tell her that this poem is for her?

No, she never will, but I do. 

It's as if life was like, "gosh, i'm sick of making so much sense" and decided to run away and be this hippie high school dropout rather than tell me what to do with all these lemons.

I can't write all the things I want to say

Even in metaphors I won't make myself plain

Why can't I shut up? People don't want to hear

The sorrows I am holding dear

(Oh dear) Someday I will awake

And realize these doubts were only fake

[a deep poem I wrote like two years ago and suddenly found in my journal]

The patches on my jeans

Will go down in history

As what laced me together

When you were not around

Words printed on my shirt

Remain the place I find my worth

Cuz when you aren't there

It's all I wear

When I sleep

Tell me I'm wrong 

When I say you're all I need

Cuz my stomach tells me

I am supposed to leave

Scattergories with the Vikes

"The category is, medicines/drugs!"

Ben- "ooh---- meth!!!"

*entire family applauds and gives him complete credit for the glorious correct answer*

"Next category, tools!"

Me: "justice."

*has to argue with entire family about the metaphorical meaning of how justice is a valuable tool in society, and still doesn't get credit*

local hero

who would ever know

that the brightest guy alive

struggles to figure out

a reason to fight

who would ever know

that he needed to retreat,

the one put on a pedestal

expected to lead

we don't know his story,

not the way he does.

making jokes about his past

may become a nice mask

but who would ever know

that his thoughts run too fast,

we take time to attend

and our own opinions bend

but empathy is something

we haven't learned yet

teach us, we beg

but who would ever know

he needs teaching himself

"give him wide eyes

to see all you've done

if a prayer makes a difference,

please listen to this one

he stands strong, not alone

he's found his purpose, his home

he teaches and loves

but don't we all know

that isn't enough?

show him Your hand,

help him get through the valley

carved out for him

he's sad, surely tired

look, his humanity's showing

but we were not capable of knowing"

who would ever know?

a precious few,

but with our prayers and an emptiness

we'll ask fulfillment for you

since when do i put filters on my memories?
this one is called, "gone too fast."
it's the color of my feelings for you.

mayday parade ~ i'd rather make mistakes than nothing at all

"This is so messed up, but if you give me all your love
Then we'll show angels up above,
That we can make it out alive, God willing,"

i wish…

- that i was a punk rocker

- that i could buy out the entire vans store

- that i could be as cool as evan

- that people could appreciate each other more

- the world was rid of stupidity and people who go thirty mph on the entrance ramp to the highway

- i lived in california

- texas would secede xD

- my sister wouldn't tell me things i don't know about TØP 

- school didn't rule our lives so much

- people were worth more than their looks

- hope didn't have to miss [certain individual]

- that grace would realize how incredible she is

- my chemical romance would get back together

- heartbreak was a myth

- that love at first sight wasn't stupid

- jillian and i could get together for coffee

- the classic crime could tone down the amazing 

- my thoughts weren't so oppressive

- everyone could achieve their dreams as easily as kip can find his soulmate

have you ever felt like a waste of air?
if you slipped out of sight that no one would care?
have you ever wanted to cut off the supply,
as if the sort of pain would change and you'd be able to die
at peace?
it's all okay, i know it's just me
drifting closer to the brink of utter insanity
and who do i call who would want to stop and share
the sorrows of a lazy waste of air?
if you've ever felt like the world can turn without you--
trust me it can
but no one has the same sort of lungs as you--
enjoy breathing while it's not a chore
and i would prefer it if you ignored
me

the classic crime ~ city of orphans

"We take all the good in the heaven around us and turn it to hell"

everything will last longer than we want it to,
every moment cut short
will linger in memory
for eternity

hey

I thought about taking a picture of the street sign and how it glowed against the sunlight and the dancing trees. The brick in the buildings created the perfect contrast to the bright green, and the silence of the moment stood powerfully in the way.

But instead, we'll just have to go there, if we can. I will point out how beautiful everything looks, and then I'll catch you in the frame of the picture when you aren't paying attention.

The thing is, it still won't be quite as beautiful in my camera roll as it was in my sight. Is anything? I must stop defining, and start living more.

I roll the windows down and breathe in the air like it's the last swelling of my lungs.

I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for. Does it matter so much anymore? I am breathing in the air and riding alone in the world, unnoticed by society and all its lines. I am simply existing. Simply living as a human while dreaming as something more. We strive for perfection, that's okay. It will all be okay with time. If only the answer I seek were as clear as the sky above me, and the pavement beneath the tread of the tires. But even as it isn't, I am content. There is something freeing in being able to roll with the swaying of the waves when they come. I think I've discovered that, now let's nail it into my brain:

I will wait, I will wait, I will wait, I will wait.

I will wait in complete and utter silence, I will listen to the sound of my gifted breath and think of you across town. I will dream of crossing paths as much as I push boundaries, and I will dream of letting large things be and pulling the little things close. I will go to sleep and rest. I will refuse worry like an unwanted friend. (we've all had those)

I will wait, I will wait, I will wait, I will wait.

sidenote

silence speaks louder than words. (i've gotta use it wisely.)

{thoughts on prayer}

*God is God, regardless of you. Praise Him as such.*
*recognize that you are human.*
*ask for the impossible.*

quiet

It's currently the gosh-awful hour of 2 am, and I know exactly why I'm awake, it is that lovely frozen coffee drink I had at chickfila this afternoon. So here I am, really experiencing what regret feels like. Eating chips ahoy. Snuggled up on the couch. In complete silence. 

Why is it that I always like to fill the silence? With music, talking, writing, just using up all the empty spaces in life with words. I seems a bit unfair. There's a time and a place for quiet moments, but in this day and age I believe we've forgotten how to slow down and recognize the beauty of life through silence. 

(The fact that I'm breathing is a miracle in and of itself.)

Have we ever noticed anything? Truly noticed? In sitting here without music or really any heavy thought, (after all, my mind went to sleep hours ago after crying over The Intern beside a sleeping Grace) I notice my sisters giggling in the back room. I also notice the hum of the fridge and the sounds of the FM road outside my neighborhood. My phone casts an eerie glow on the ceiling, as does the night light carefully placed in the hall. (Why even is it there? So our guardian angels don't trip over the edge of the rug or the stray pair of shoes?) And the clock keeps ticking. Not literally, but if I listen hard enough, I can envision the sound of my nana's grandfather clock counting down the hours till morning. 

See? Silence can be useful. How else would I be able to appreciate the simple things in life? The casual, subtle things that I brush aside subconsciously every single day. The beautiful details.

My sisters have stopped their chatter, and Grace hasn't stirred in a while, I suppose they're asleep now.

And lonliness is a funny thing. 

Alize at his finest

"In Naked and Afraid they don't have any clothes."

You don't say? XD

serene

I took a walk to clear my head

Noticed things that no one said

Like, the world doesn't revolve

Around you and me

The wind blows, the clouds move,

And everything keeps going

And around us there are people

Who think they're all that,

But for them, the world 

Turns just as fast

We're one and the same

Trying to keep our heads on our shoulders

But sometimes, our heads weigh on us more than we think

So we've got to think less and think about being free

The wind tugs at my hair 

Like its some sort of game

And the sky smiles blue

As if it were saying your name

But the world doesn't know

About you and I 

Time ticks just as fast

When I take seconds to cry

So I took a walk to clear my mind

Of all its crap, of things I said

I listened to nothing,

And I noticed everything

And the thing is we deserve nothing

But He gives us everything

And so we are worthless

In the big scheme of things

But He likes to bless us

Individually

Think about it dear,

We are travelers here

It's such a nice day

And we always have so much to say

Just listen for Him,

And He shows up

And today I think that this is enough

visons ~ big deal

"I don't want to see you fall apart"

I LOVE YOU EMILY INCREDA-GREY

"Technically, if one goes to the bathroom on the couch, it still doesn't mean the couch is a bathroom."

Probably misquoted that xD

Dear, oh dear
What am I doing here
I'm screaming,
No one stops to hear
I draw a smiley face
On my crumpled paper plate
It's a nice mask,
So I've decided fate
I think for myself that life is gone
I think for myself that love is wrong
I think for myself and I state it clear
Then wonder what I'm doing here
Dear, oh dear
Get me out of my fear
The exits aren't clear
Must existence end here?
I think for myself, there's two ways to die
At my own hands or with your hands in mine
Shall I drag you along? Would you like to be the death of me?
I'll give you a secret that you must keep
I'm writing on a blog that no one reads
I'm picking at a lock without a key
I want to love you, do you want to love me?
When I think for myself, I start to lose peace
Ignore everything I just said--

things I am grateful for.

- stupid inside jokes

- silent football under the treehouse cabins

- my mom calling me for breakfast even though I'm not hungry

- my dying Coke-bottle plant

- birdsong

- reading poetry in Barnes and Noble

- eloquence, (and the eloquence of that word in itself)

- riding fourwheelers with my cousin and getting stuck in the mud

- feeling empowered 

- feeling lovely

- road trips, my parents' cheesy Christian music

- singing to Bon Jovi with my dad

- hugs from Nana

- adopted family

- camping trips and flashlight hikes with Grandaddy

- successfully pranking Trevor with Alize

- high fives

- when someone says something stupid at three am, and we laugh about it for far too long

- Joseph buying that necklace for Emily

- going to Emily's house randomly and seeing her wearing it

- real talks

- watching About Time with Hannah and Grace

- tears of joy

- long lists that no one cares to read (haha)

- when people say I smell nice

- throwing the football with my brother and letting him make fun of me

- the fact that life sucks but I still like to make it sound beautiful---

- the fact that life is actually slightly beautiful

- being happy for no particular reason

- my dad's fire station stories

- Grace telling me about Ethan

- Walking Hope to production

- the feeling of being understood

- when Carissa texts me randomly to see how I'm doing

- freaking out with Hope for no particular reason :)

- when Jillian is my spirit animal

- when Rebekah finally posts something on her blog and it's freaking beautiful

- glancing at your watch and realizing you've got all the time in the world

- forgetting to wear my retainer and feeling free

- really living on the edge in general

- when Emily says something that makes me want to baptist nod and shout amen because I relate with every fiber of my being

- sitting on mrs. Cindettas porch with Nicholas Prda

- mrs. Lisa being a boss at life

- being the epitome of sibling goals with my sister

- someone texting back right away

- prayer 

Every lovely moment, sour

A ray of sun my teeth devours

And twists it into what it's not

My mind is where my battles are fought

On the roadside place I know too well

My spirits I force into a swell

The crest of a wave, saltwater taste

The sodium will burn on my wounds

But it's good for me, right?

This waiting game, this sorrowful fight

I huddle deep in my jean jacket

Can I be strong?

Another molasses instance,

Another poem, a new song

With the same tune, repeating chords

Someday you'll see

The things that I loved

We're the things that killed me

I love the sadness,

Believe me, it's deep

Well, so is the harvest

My shit heart must reap

overcome the world?

I feel so dead
Yet He is alive
This isn't right,
This isn't right

He's overcome the world
Can He help me with this?
I've messed it all up,
He must be enough

Why are my eyes welling up with tears?
Why am I cuddling with all my fears?
I've made friends with being 'tired'
My callused fingers feel the fire
But never burn,
But never burn

Elizabeth Elliot

"By trying to grab fulfillment everywhere, we find it nowhere." 

"Sleep well, my friend

There will be another moment we'll meet again"

So I woke up today and I was breathing. The sun was shining, a bit too brightly because I didn't want to get out of bed. My mom came into my room and touched me with her cold hands and told me to come eat breakfast.

I had a lot on my mind, but isn't it crazy that I have an existence and the ability to create ideas in my head? 

I thought about you and a lot of other things while I ate a biscuit that wasn't an accident and iced espresso that I shouldn't take for granted, because that crap costs money. There was house noise, excited conversation and footsteps on the wood floors, closing and opening cabinets, the business of a family that I consider a blessing, most of the time. A break from the silence was welcome.

I speed-read a history book, it's a handy talent. 

The sun was still shining, I was still breathing.

I am a pessimist, dear, but it's all about perspective. I wrote another song for when I see you again. Listen, I miss you, but isn't it a lovely day? 

because I just *have* to post

It makes me sick that it has to be this way. 

But I will talk to you every time I get,

Pray for this every time I think. 

I just want to be with you,

Someday. 

Lord willing. 

a love like war ~ all time low

"We go together or we don't go down at all, whoa

Is this the end of us or just the means to start again?"

I miss you, but it's okay. 

The moon misses the spotlight,

The ocean misses the shoreline,

So I'll keep trying

Like a hopeless debtor 

Trapped in Savannah,

To make sense of it all. 

someday, I won't have to miss you

someday we will take a trip

to the middle of nowhere,

wait until the sky paints itself our favorite color,

speckled with stars and smeared with wet paint,

and we will lay on a pier

and stare up at the universe.

it will be cold, so you'll give me your jacket

but I will feel bad, so I'll make sure I brought a blanket. 

we'll listen to music that reminds us

of each other,

or that ignites our nostalgia

or makes us happy

and the stars will shine down on us,

two miniature humans 

randomly in love,

and even though there are a million

things we could worry about, we won't. 

someday, I won't have to miss you. 

oh marcello ~ Regina spektor

"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good

Oh, Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood"

{n}

I don't know what to do

Is crying okay?

My words won't formulate the way

They did earlier today

I'm not angry,

Just confused. 

I'm sorry, I've tried my best

They don't get it, do they?

No one gets it,

No one ever does. 

I guess that's why

I need you so much 

"I'll keep you safe tonight (yeah, yeahhhh)"

I'm sitting in the car, wasting gas. I stare at the trees on the square, blowing ever so slightly with the breeze. The bank I'm at is vacant, and the old buildings stand still and overlooked as always. 

I was here just last week, doing exactly the same thing. 

Nothing has changed, but then again it has. I'm still the same girl, I'm still growing up, I'm still scared. I still get sad sometimes. I still stare and the stars and make wishes. But now, I've got you, so that's one less thing I wish for. One thing to be happy about when I feel a twinge of sadness. 

It's a blessing, yaknow?

popé

fade in, begin
there's unrest in my mind
a battle to fight
i'm blindly going in

rally the soldiers
all the angry men hiding
all the innocent dying,
here's a last breath

gaunt and malnourished
but my soul's starving more
my thoughts act as my prison doors
released, compensated

was it enough?
was it unjust?
i am an animal
i don't believe in rights
but the stars don't shine
quite as bright
when people die
at the hands of others

popé, they call me
creature, they call me
to farm my land as a slave
and as an ass i'm okay

but as a human i'm not
was it enough?
was it unjust?
i put a thought in their hands
torn with their fate
you know death must come
when you see it approach
in the way your ribcage
protrudes through your clothes
the kings and fools alike
suffer the same

we kill for a cause
future hidden in fog
we kill for a victory
with lungs blood-clogged

i can't reconcile what i have done,
good intentions won with blood
with the fact that i'm not satisfied
the land i have earned is not my prize

fade out, disappear
history will cover my steps
a name all i have left
eyes producing tears

So I'll put on my jean jacket

So you'll think that I'm all that

Though I know you think that of yourself

When you wear that Seahawks hat

Don't grow up too fast--

Your older sister might just

Walk in and catch you in the act

What's worth the risk and what is not?

Please explain the lump in my throat.

I can't put together the puzzle of my stomach. 

My feelings always come out when I don't want them to. 

And they stay bottled up when they should just pour out--

I wish I could tell you everything. 

But for now there's this lump in my throat. 

There's a knot in my stomach,

A tear in my eye,

A text message. 

Nothing can cure the emptiness inside

So I close my eyes, close my eyes

For although my body boycotts sleep

I have a few nice thoughts to keep,

Except my only fear is--

Paranoia

The asphalt is cracked and faded with time, and the street sign sits at a sickly angle, waiting for the wind to blow just right. It's dusty, abandoned. The occasional tractor passesthrough at a constant, slow-as-Christmas velocity, but for the most part, the scene is painted like an old western movie, a ghost town without the town. It all wants to die, give up its spot on the map. 

I tilt my head to read the street sign. Paranoia. So poetic, only I know the walk too well. 

One mile gets you the occasional tumbleweed, and if you walk further you're mouth will start to dry up the way the road dries up on the horizon when you look too hard. By the third mile, you might see a roadrunner if you're lucky. Today I walk the fourth mile, to see how far I can get without having to turn back. 

I always tend to look behind my back, as if my worst fear will pop out and scare me. Ha. 

I am already scared, and my worst fear lays before me. 

The looking back is just for my sanity. 

Dear Caliban, we fell for the trick again

Longing for someone

Is like driving into the horizon

Looking for the way 

The sunset meets the FM road

Searching for a break

In the familiar

As the car never gets any closer

To the rendezvous

Of sky and street,

Light and dark,

Heaven and earth,

Apparent and unknown,

And in longing for someone,

I wish I could drive into the horizon,

Because even that would seem

Less futile than this. 

My love for you

Is as bright

And explosive

Shocking

And lovely as

A furby

In a microwave 

soon! soon! soon!

It's a part of life, get used to it, they say

Well just because it's normal doesn't mean it's okay

Am I supposed to be fine with my mom being sick?

Am I supposed to be fine feeling depressed as frick?

Am I supposed to have a party when we're miles apart?

Am I supposed to write a thank-you note to the knife in my heart?

Ah, but that's what they all like to say

When cheerful, happy me has a not-so-nice day

But come on, tell me something I can try to believe

We've already addressed my tear-stained sleeves

There's nothing you can mouth that will summon the dead

There's nothing you can mouth that will quiet my head

There's something you can do that you never will

So why bother asking, why bother to kill

An infection that festers deep in my wound

Oh, but they will be home soon

Oh, but she will get well soon

Oh, the sun will come out soon

Well, soon means different for me than it does for you

i miss you ~ blink-182

"…Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and
Stop this pain tonight?

Don't waste your time on me,
You're already
The voice inside my head
(I miss you, I miss you)"

{words that stuck with me}

"I believe God gives everyone a soulmate." 

"I believe in healing."

"You are not alone, no one is alone."

"Your momma is scaling walls."

"The only time the punchline doesn't apply is with God..."

"Is he kind?"

"Be honest in your evaluation of yourself."

"He is, I'm not."

"To me God doesn't make things easier or hurt less it just helps me to let go and not be afraid of hurting."

"You've just got to choose your battles."

Help! Baylie won't stop sharing her useless opinions!

I understand your eyes are burning from reading these posts, but I love you and I'm not sorry :)

Help! Everyone is doing everything wrong!

(This is yet another peek into the mind of Baylie. You were warned.)

There are always going to be people who don't agree with you. It's a fact of life, and to this day I don't really understand how some folks expect everyone to have the exact same views on life. Oh, and if you don't agree with such people, you must be going to hell itself because God certainly doesn't appreciate people who watch those kinds of movies or do those sorts of activities.

Today I'm going to talk about legalism. But first, some terms and how I would define them:

•Legalism: I'm going with the dictionary on this one, "excessive adherence to a law or formula". But I'm also going to take it a step further and say that a legalistic person is someone who takes a personal conviction and applies it to everyone in existence.
•The Bible: the final authority for life, God's word.
•Gray Area: an issue the Bible doesn't talk specifically about.
•Grey Area: a room occupied by any member of the Grey family.
•Personal Conviction: a choice by one person to follow a certain principle regarding a gray area.
•Stupid: a personal conviction of any one person to be a jerk to any member of the Grey family.

Okay, let's move on now. In order to best explain this topic, I'm going to offend as many people as possible and examine several traditions and personal convictions that often morph into legalistic practices. I'll try to cover my bases so no one is more offended than another and we're all in the same uncomfortable boat, because getting out of your comfort zone is the first step to learning and changing. But please, try to keep an open mind :)

TOPIC NUMERO UNO: Don't wear hats to church!

My mom's side of the family is Southern Baptist. I'm talking DEEP Southern Baptist with a strong heart for traditional values and a sharp eye for people who dare come to church with hats on, or ripped jeans, or anything that disqualifies your outfit as your "sunday best".

I love my family. I love Southern Baptists. But I don't love this rule of not wearing hats to church, but let me explain myself.

The Bible talks about many things like honoring God, and attending church. God's ways are higher than our ways, and he is holy and deserving of great reverence and respect. But the Bible doesn't speak about Sunday school dress codes, but correct me if I'm wrong. And, the Bible doesn't speak specifically to this terrible issue of wearing hats to church. So we must conclude that dressing in your "sunday best" (and by this I mean, no hats, no ripped jeans, dresses for girls, suits for guys, etc. etc.) is a personal conviction.

My personal convictions on this are you should dress well for church. To show respect, in a way. But it doesn't matter whether your best outfit is fit for a hobo or fit for the queen of england. As long as it's your best, then go for it! Sometimes at my grandparents' church, people look at me weird because I wear ripped jeans. Honestly, I like the way they look rolled up with some heels and a button-up, and that's my form of sunday best, so I don't care about the looks I get.

As for wearing hats, if you think your beanie fits your interpretation of "church- worthy", wear it. If a cowboy hat is your thing, I'm pretty sure God won't rain down fire from heaven if you decide to wear it to church.

And look. Church isn't just a building, the body of Christ, us, WE are the church. So if you don't think hats are church worthy, might as well ditch them altogether. Wherever you go, you are setting the example of Christ and being the church to whoever you come into contact with. So this special combination of clothing items that you can't wear to a special building on a special day at a holy time really means nothing. I'm sorry, being Christ-like doesn't just apply to Sunday mornings.

TOPIC NUMERO DOS: Don't watch rated-R movies!

Many Christians have personal convictions not to watch rated-R movies. Clearly the word of God doesn't speak to this issue directly, although it does say to guard your heart, yet another gray area. (Not to be confused with a grey area, might I add.) There are different ways to guard your heart, and some people need to be more careful than others, but ultimately it's between you and God. If you think it's best for you not to listen to secular music, go for it. But if you think it doesn't affect you to listen to music with the occasional cuss word, then that's fine too. There's not a secret formula for guarding your heart and being the "perfect Christian", although it is up to you to be honest in your evaluation of yourself, and to do what you know is right. But back to the topic.

The thing with people who don't watch rated-R movies is that they often judge people who do watch these types of movies. They do the whole "you-aren't-righteous-and-you-must-have-an-unclean-mind-you-"christian"-whore-person-you-so-dirty" sort of thing. You see the hatred in their eyes and through their Facebook comments. I bet you're imagining a face right now, a rated-R boycotting activist in your life who unfriended you the day you saw Deadpool, you know the kind of people I'm talking about.

(I'm not going to give a speech on no judging, but you know you shouldn't.)

The movies you watch are a personal conviction, so don't force your ideas on people. And also, try to respect other people's convictions, like, don't make fun of someone who doesn't want to watch a certain PG-13 movie with you. Like come on, don't cause them to stumble (the Bible does talk about this), just try to chill a little bit when it comes to things like this. I need to work on this too, fam, I'm not calling anyone out any more than I'm calling out myself. Look, I've seen multiple rated-R movies, and God still loves me. I don't really watch certain PG-13 movies, and that's okay too. I've judged people for their movie convictions, yet I get angry when other people judge, it's stupid.

TOPIC NUMERO TRES: Democrats are evil and bad and whoever is liberal is not a follower of God and should not be running our country! Texas Secede! Republicans for the win! Someone please stop Hillary Clinton! Let us riot!

Just for the record, Texas should totally secede.

But here's the deal. These are more personal convictions, believe it or not! The Bible doesn't say that Republican conservative is the only correct way. It doesn't say that democrat liberal is the only way. What's the big deal? As long as you believe you are voting for a Godly leader who will run this country well, vote for whoever the heck you want and support whatever party you decide. It's an awesome thing that we have freedom here to do that, and it really sucks when people judge others for exercising this freedom. God doesn't care whether Christians vote for Hillary or Trump, whoever. And, God's sovereignty in this country does NOT depend on the president in office. 

(Listen, I'm not a big fan of political parties. I would probably vote republican because I agree with them on most things, but I wouldn't mind occasionally voting democrat if I agree with what a certain candidate stands for. But if you care at all to hear my opinion, I think the world needs less political parties and dinner table debates and more love and honest listening. [There is definitely a time and place for a non-offensive debate over something, I love that kind of thing. But when it hurts people, or destroys a thanksgiving dinner, come on, whyyyyyyyy?] But that's just my two cents on the matter.)

CONCLUSION: The point of all this is, God is first and foremost a loving and merciful God. And it says in 1Samuel (I think) that He looks not at the outward appearance, but at the HEART. Honestly, the Lord could care less what you wear to church, what rating your movies are, or who you vote for. He cares about you following Him, and loving people for His sake. How about we stop focusing on unimportant matters and start focusing on our heart for God and how we can grow in Him, not in status or friend requests. (Again, that's so cheesy. Velveeta level cheesy. But its' true.)

*awkwardly runs off*

the dimming night

And when I see you in the dimming night
Perhaps I will avoid your gaze
But I can only hope I caught your eye
The way you caught my heart,
There's a song in the way you smile
And in the way you goof around
A chorus of reasons to love you,
Notes dancing through my head
And when I see you in the dimming night
I may not speak a word
But you'll make me feel safe in a moment
In a simple, split-second nostalgia
I am alright just to sit in a room with you
There's a soundtrack to a silence,
A melody in your glances I will keep
In the corner of my eye
And when I see you in the dimming night
I will hope with entirety that you know
While you're caring for me with pictures
I will paint you into poems
And when I see you in the dimming night
Even in the real world things can be fine
And you'll call me by a nickname only I recognize,
When I see you in the dimming night

nostalgia for now

Tonight in the light

Of no particular stars 

I go by two names

And I write with two hearts

We'll go to sleep a bit late

On opposite sides of the city

The same sort of songs

Waltzing into our ears

I'll be aimless for a while

And might begin to cry

Because the nostalgia gets nasty

When one stares at the sky

And I'm laying on a pier

In the middle of nowhere

Picking out my favorite star

And wishing on it

My imagination can pencil you in

Beside me, where wanderlust begins

But I look at you and see the same stars

I feel the same feelings in my thumping heart

So I'm writing two things

Into one poem,

I think of the nickname you gave me,

How it resembles absolutely nothing 

Everything means so much

P!ATD

"If you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go..."

rainbow veins ~ owl city

"Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
'Cause your heart has a lack of colour and we should've known
That we'd grow up sooner or later 'Cause we wasted all our free time alone"

Another sleepless night,

And I don't have to be depressed

To wonder why

My mind is spinning in countless directions

My heart keeping time

The the beat of a faultline

The beat of the same rhyme

It's a picture I've painted, all in my head

A subconscious letter I write in my bed

It's a dream, an ambition, a hopeless ideal

It's a shift in my vision, a crack on my windshield

God, help me

Another sleepless night

I'm desperately watching out for a first light

The thoughts in my head are running all too dry

Why, why, why, why

Me?

I could be dying, dying like the front yard tree

We keep it there because it represents a certain memory

A person that died left a tree as a legacy

And now remembrance is dying like the sanity in me

Oh, please

Another sleepless night

Counting seconds till I hear someone in the kitchen

Making breakfast again

Like they did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that,

And before I know it a picture's in the past

All it takes is 24 hours for a moment to be frozen in memory. 

All it takes is 1 minute for a thought to elongate for an eternity. 

All it takes is a second to die

And a second to fall asleep--

epiphany

With his words he painted a picture

With his eyes he broke into song

And I knew I had fell for his heart

Yeah, I knew it all along

i know a few slightly beautiful people, yaknow

She walks in the room with immediate light

But she's not always happy, as odd as that sounds

It can seem as if everything in her life is right

After all, she's always loving, smiling, allowing

But no one is without struggles

She has her own

But she's strong and I hope

I can let her know

Her name means more than she will ever know

Because she's talented at giving me room to grow

And I'm hard to put up with,

And she's been through a lot

But she's genuine and supportive despite that she's caught

In a web she can't escape

There's hurts I can't heal

Does she know that that kills me?

That I care as much as she does?

I know a girl who knows a guy

I see them constantly idealized

But gosh, they're in the same boat as us

They just don't tend to open up about it as much--

They shouldn't have to

She's lovely and it's strange that she still doesn't see

She's in a cage but she has the key

Give her something to believe in, something concrete

I see her sinking and she doesn't like to "burden" me

Hurry up and catch her

Before she snags a new day

She's destined for greatness

Please don't get in the way

I know you're not present

And she doesn't need to cry

Because someday I know

She will catch someone's eye

She's beautiful,

Tell her that for me

Because I've failed at this friendship

And I miss her, really

I can tell when he's sad, when something's not right

He has this aura of something I can't quite describe

And I don't know why I care so much 

That he finds love

But I know he's more than most care to see

And I also know he means a lot to me

drugstore perfume ~ gerard way

"That she can’t change for love
And she explains how long she’s waited for
She wanted more
And as these days go by
Well they can’t change how long we’ve waited for
A love that’s more
A love that’s more"

all teenagers make stupid choices and do bad things, right?

Whenever I get there

(Wherever that is)

I'll look back at you shaking your head

Like I "shook the dust off my feet"

When I left

Because we all turn into something

And I fear you won't like who I become

I don't want to be that disapproval seeker

But gosh, do I have to agree with everything?

You expect me to, don't you

Your way is the only truth

The judgements spill out and the motives aren't clear

Are you sure you want the best for me, do you even hear?

I've always had a voice, it just got louder. 

For the first time in my life

Last night

I had to realize I was growing up, because

I sat there and had to explain to you that I am becoming my own person

Daddy, I'm your little girl

Momma, I'm your little girl

But I can't compromise my values to fit your expectations for my world

And it hurts for me to drive off in that car

And then come home to find you've attached a leash

I thought you trusted me

Apparently, when it comes to cars

But not it comes to guys

And I sat there on the couch begging you

To listen to me cry

But there's this thing that someone told me

And I can't help but ask why

She told us we could be more than a stereotype

And then I come home to an arguement and that's all you see me as

You're living in some sort of magical past

Chasing me into a corner, I'm growing up, dad

And change isn't always meant to be bad

The world isn't the same, and I'm sorry I asked

But can you lighten up a little, you're hurting more than you see

I'm your daughter, not a monster, although I'm sixteen

And all of a sudden being a teenager is such a bad thing-- 

Reminders are everywhere

In the poetry books stuffed in my drawer,

In the pair of jeans that I always wore

Scribbled in the book with illegible words

It's going to hurt but I'll never be sure

brevity

Another slightly significant day

Dawns noisily while I think

About something someone said

(Nothing really relevant)

"The days are long but the 

Years are short", I've found that to be true

I'm sitting here anticipating the day

While he stood across from me mourning the years

We must learn to live for both,

Because in living for days everything becomes

Tumultuous in the differing of suns

But in living for years we grow tired

From the sameness of the stars

The minutes drag out while I'm living now

Someday I will miss that,

But there's no time for nostalgia

And someday I will miss that as well--

mcr

"you can run away with me anytime you want"

Everything looks a little brighter

Seeing you smile out of the corner of my eye--

there for you

He falls into bed with a stolen read

Hiding away so our father won't see

I'm smiling to myself because

I'm sworn to utter secrecy

But I'm barely holding together tonight

Wanting to let it all out and cry

But my brother is watching, my brother will find

That his sister can't offer a better life

I want to be there when he dies inside

When the girl that he loves turns him away

I want to have a hand on his shoulder when he gets into fights

When he's only trying to make it another day

I want to show him things I wrote

Let him know that he's never alone

He's a kid, with a load of expectations and luck

But I want to help him when he realizes that is never enough 

He doesn't understand it all yet

He doesn't see through my facade even though my eyes are wet

He doesn't have to, though.

I'm his sister and he knows I won't forget

I'm sworn to secrecy, my dearest little Ben 

You know I won't tell, but can I tell you again?

Be subtle when you steal books, keep a sparkle in your eye

It's okay for your big sister to cry--

I'm only hurting for a little bit, this all heals with time

When you're older you can ask me why I lied

That's what they all say, that's what they all say

But I'd lie for your sanity any old day

Now go to sleep, baby, it will all be okay

Instead of advocating for love with our mouths,

Let's vouch for hope with our ears

Help! I can't do anything about the world!

(Okay, this is a peek into the brain of Baylie. You were warned.)

((Secondly, this is my opinion. You're entitled to yours, and I love hearing other people talk about things! But I'm also entitled to mine so don't take any of this personally or get super offended, because it's not aimed at anyone in particular. Also, I'm doing this just because I like to write about topics like this, for fun. So if you aren't going to have fun reading this please don't read this.... Anyways. This is a long intro.))

I feel like as teenagers we get stereotyped way too often. As lazy, or rebellious. I can say that while I am both of these, they don't define my entire being as a hormone filled crazy hyper spastic dangerous adolescent! But I'm not here to complain about stereotypes, don't even get me started though because I can tend to get riled up over that. Tbh. As a result of these stereotypes, we often get pushed into this need to make a difference in the world, to do something worthwhile with our lives. 

This is good, right? 

Not when if you're like me, you worry about it so much and beat yourself up over being a lazy bum who writes poetry on her blog all day to cope with the fact that I embody every tumblr post I see. 

Because listen, you can do nothing about the world. As my family always says, "you can't argue with stupid." This world is stupid, and we are not going to be able to talk our way to change most of the time. (Which makes this rant seem pretty hypocritical, although that's another rant for ya.)

So yeah, you can't change the world it's kind of out of our control when we think about it. But there's some good news!

You can change yourself, kind of. 

The teen years are completely worthless and stupid if you discount the fact (like I often do) that these are the LEARNING years. We live through this utter hell because we are discovering who we are and learning the most valuable and hard core lessons we will ever learn. And maybe you can't change the world, boo hoo. That's harsh, but really. Start with you, you're a part of this world and maybe if you can't fix it, you can fix your attitude towards it, yaknow? 

That was points one and two if you needed to know. Here's point three. 

Instead of watching arrow or scrubs all day after school *cough cough Baylie vike* or writing music to cope with feelings *cough cough Baylie vike*, maybe we should spend more of our free time investing in the real world changer, God. Super cheesy, I know. You can't escape the cheese. But really, God has the whole world in his hands like the song you sing to the toddlers, and invest in Him because He can equip you to deal with and even maybe fix the stupid world we live in. 

Also, screw the stereotypes. Have fun (be wise), but have FUN while you have time in your hands and grow in Gor while you have this open heart and some more time. We're homeschooled (hello audience) and school thankfully isn't always a prison so let's put our free time to some sort of use rather than complaining *cough cough Baylie vike*. (Gosh, whoever is writing this needs some allergy meds!)

That's it for now, I love talking but I talk too much. You guys should write about your opinions more, because it's not about convincing people, rather it's about developing original thought for yourself and getting it out there even if no one gives a rip! It's kind of therapudic, but that's just me.

Stab me before I stab myself

I would love to die in lovely health

Give me something to fight for

Give me something that hurts more than my words

I'm telling myself nothing's worth it

But I know I'm just being apathetic

Shoot me before I get bored and alone

Wouldn't want anyone to find me when they return home

If I die from melancholy

Help me die pretty

in memoriam ~ the oh hellos

Well, it's a long way out to reach the sea
But I'm sure I'll find you waiting there for me
And by the time I blink, I'll see your wild arms swinging
Just to meet me in the middle of the road
And you'll hold me like you'll never let me go
And beside the salty water, I could hold you close,
But you are far too beautiful to love me

It's a long climb up the dusty mountain
To build a turret tall enough to keep you out
But when you wage your wars against the one who adores you,
Then you'll never know the treasure that you're worth
But I've never been a wealthy one before
I've got holes in my pockets burned by liars' gold,
And I think I'm far too poor for you to want me

It's been a long road, losing all I've owned
And you don't know what you've got until you're gone
And it's a nasty habit, spending all you have, but
When you're doing all the leaving, then it's never your love lost
And if you leave before the start, then there was never love at all
And heaven knows I'm prone to leave the only god I should have loved,
And yet you're far too beautiful to leave me

focus

my head is pulled in so many directions,
so many temptations and distractions begging for my attentions
i can't function with a brain so easily swayed
the sky tastes like love and the paper is stained
i'm trying to focus but can't catch up with my mind
a million miles an hour, i think in pictures and lines
i'm trying to get it all out, i've gotta write, and write, and write
but insanity will take over, my sin will confine
i need to do math and CPR at the same time,
dying at a desk has never felt so right

without them

i, i could live out the rest of my "good old days"
but without them it would be such a waste
i'm telling you now so i won't forget tomorrow and the next
i follow rabbit trails just like the rest
so when the time comes to die, i won't feel all too bad
i can live with myself but dying's a lot to ask

i don't like to pretend to be God
but i don't want to let go of you

Why must my happiness always go to waste

I'll die at the hand of dreary days

Salvation

Eyes aimed low

Hands lifted high

You brought back part of me that died

Tear-stained cheeks

Can't pinpoint why

A metaphoric whore has life

It's a different kind of tear

That falls into my knees 

From sleepless nights I'm finally free

From sadness, in song You have me peace 

A vivid memory

I'll hold close to my chest

Tell me You're not finished yet...

Yup

"There's just no one who gets me like you do"

Those things we went through--

Why do we still talk about them?

I used to say, our sorrows don't define us

But now I know they do

The fact that I'm discussing this proves it true

We can't let go of the past

Because it's a part of our hearts

Mine's a hole, something I gave away

What's yours?

Because it matters all too much

And we've got to decide,

Whether we let our past be a good or bad thing

Our sorrows are songs we must learn to sing

mcr

"…That without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.
And without you is how I disappear,
And live my life alone forever now.

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out.
I'm really not so with you anymore.
I'm just a ghost, 
So I can't hurt you anymore,
So I can't hurt you anymore."