a song

Have you ever thought about it dear?

It's fun being scared of something other than ourselves

We're closer when we toy with fear

The cards I was dealt I hold close to my chest

Have you ever thought about it dear?

We're playing with grenades before our lives waste away

Be gentle as you tie it to my hair

Your shoelaces will become explosive--

Off with my head!

Off with your feet!

We're only going six feet deep!

Have you ever thought about it dear?

We're dangling from cliffs when we don't say a thing

Drinking poison in small increments 

Across the room with the silence

I can't see your head,

I'll glance down at my feet

We're only going six feet deep

There's a handgun on the floor

It's engraved with our names

But let's refuse to give way

Let's refuse to give way

There's a corpse on the table who's dying to hear

If you'll save yourself and save me

Have you ever thought about it dear?

There's horrors all around

But here's a song we both know

Your lips are making inaudible sounds

And all we've ever done is stand on common ground

"...So many possibilities to not be alone..."

|--_--)

If only you knew
How much I wanted
To talk to you

For hours on end
Until I stopped trying to pretend
That I didn't like you

But people like us
Have too much to hide
If you let your walls down
To let me inside
Maybe you'd be just a little surprised

I wouldn't leave
Because I know what it's like
You're so blind
Lol

Where's some original thought when I need it

All that's coming to my head are sad song lyrics

And things I wish for that will never be granted

I'm sorry but I do owe you something,

I feel like I've been a bad friend and somehow

I've validated it

Forgive me, forgive me, people tell me it's okay to be sad

But they've never told me it's okay to be bitter

And I'm a really good mix of the two, don't you think?

I'm starting to get jealous, God stop me please

Everything's crumbling around my own hospital bed

While everything's falling together around their castles

Ah yes, and we call it so cute

I messed up "the plan" just like everything else

Feeling like a hindrance is feeling like hell

We throw around "love you's" like its another catchy song

Call each other so cute

Well life isn't, have you noticed?

"no one laughs at God when a doctor calls after some routine tests"

Will it help if I say it again?
God, I miss her
God, I miss her
God, please--

Her best friend died of a brain tumor years ago. I remember she and Dad would sit at the computer fighting back tears over her Caring Bridge site. I also remember her telling me that they usually only make Caring Bridge sites for people with serious illnesses, dying people.

To make the dying look pretty, perhaps.

I sat in the backseat for eight hours while we drove to her friend's funeral. When my mom got sick, when they made her a Caring Bridge site, when I wrote on that site, I remember praying that she wouldn't go down the same way.

But we all go down the same ugly way, no matter how inspirational people make it look.

I've been thinking about death. Gosh, I was so young when I thought about suicide and how nice it would feel. And I think about her death now, how scary it is that she is sickeningly finite despite the god-like expectations I put on her. But I have always been scared to pull the trigger, to slide the knife across my skin, always been scared to say goodbye, always scared to stare into a casket.

Death is always personal. I've never been ready for it.

If it's not too selfish of me to say, if you won't judge me, I will confess I would give anything for her to stay alive.

But the world turns, and my grandpa, my dad, and my mom turn another corner on the way to the hospital.

stay ~ mayday parade

Please understand I've been drinking again and all I do is hope--

Please

Stay 

anywhere but here ~ mayday parade

Secret love, my escape

Take me far, far away

what I wanted

She tells me I'm where I need to be

But then I look over and he's looking at me

I wonder if what I'm saying is contradicting how I feel

I'm falling in love and I wish it weren't real

But there's a boy across the room who doesn't know

That I'm a hopeless romantic who's had all the room to grow

And not enough space to figure out how to love

They tell where I'm not is where I'll be enough

Satisfaction can't come from him, oh but not from me

Because though I'm planted where I need to be

My heart only knows it's not where I wanted

war zone

I'm on one side of the fence, along with my fears. I've let go of the past, I've let go of him, but even if I let go of everything I was back then I still can't let go of those scars that come as a result. 

On the other side of the barbed wire, there's you. You have your own wars to fight, but you're staring over the fence, looking for something perhaps. Me? No, not a chance. But after a while I begin to wonder.

Please don't stand too long, you're going to get shot.

I wish that I could tell you that the barbed wire isn't as inviting as it may look, and that the fence is too tall, and that the grass isn't all that green on the other side, and that I'm suffocating here and I don't want to drag you in, but I'm screaming and you must be mistaking it  for laughter.

Please don't get too close, everything's prettier from afar. 

le velo pour deux

Faites un tour sur un vélo construit pour deux

juste moi et mon enthousiasme

et vous avec votre bleu

Je vais verser des larmes pour le passé

nous allons rire tous les deux pour ce qui est à venir

il y a une courbe de la route

il ya une montagne à gravir

mais au sommet , un secret que nous allons garder constamment à l'esprit

Je murmure le secret pour que le vent ne sera pas attraper sur

Je pense que je pourrais vous aimer

un diable de beaucoup

morphine

She asks me what I want for my birthday, if I've made any plans.

No, I reply, no I haven't.

Does she know I'm fighting tears? She always saw through every mask I wore. Probably too high on the morphine to tell this time, though.

I just want you to be there, I could have said. But I can't tell her I'm in fear for her life because that wouldn't be considerate, I can only imagine the fears in her head as we peer through the glass at each other.

Gloves on, mask on. Wash hands, walk out. Wash again. Press the elevator button with your knuckle, don't lean against the walls. My brother doesn't understand these rules, so I must teach him how to behave in a hospital. His mom should do that, right? He had to visit her today on the infectious disease floor. When we prayed, he laid his hands on her bed. I don't blame him for risking it.

Can I stab some of her morphine into my arm? Just enough to make me forget how irreplaceable she is. Then I will come back to the reality, and she will be okay, got it?

This will only hurt a little.

He can't even hug her and neither can I
We are humans longing for the sky
She could go but we have just begun
Repeating gestures of our love
The greetings and goodbyes we know so much
Are ever so precious now that time's up
Don't take her before I tell her something
She'll whisper across the room she loves me
Loopy, we'll try to decide which will kill her
The sickness or the pills, none of which is better
He jokes that she's had five margaritas today
I know he's pained in a different way
We miss her but we cannot cry
We are soldiers staring at the sky

Momma

It's February again, we most grow older

Wake up 

You're the hero of my story

And you need to be saved

With every sin, there's oxygen

I'm taking a deep breath before

I exhale my lies

And I'm acting self sufficient

Running away from the crime scene,

Gasping for air

And with every sin, with every dying of the righteousness within me (if any)

With every jab and every scream

Everything I mess up,

I am breathing

He is keeping me alive

Forcing gaseous sustenance down my throat

I want to die, I should die,

Don't we all deserve eternity in hell?

But with every rebellion 

Behind another person's back

I take another deep breath

That He gives me--

And that is not an accident. 

I can see my breath when it's cold enough

And I can see His hand when it's dark enough 

I can praise Him and cuss in the same sentence

But I breathe in, breathe out, raise my fist to the air and waste my oxygen being bitterly angry, 

And I breathe in yet again--

And that is not an accident. 

shiver

your voice sends shivers down my spine
words like knives driven into my head
it's not a bad thing to effect someone, is it?
not so much when you do, i guess
your grip gives new purpose to my fingers
when i'm pressing down colorful chords
i'm effulgent whenever you speak up
my ears tasting every syllable that thunders
it's not a bad thing to effect someone, is it?
not so much when you're in love--

Let's race tomorrow and see if we win

There's a future at the finish line let's watch it begin

I'm running in circles but I'm gonna pretend

That what I'm doing is worth it, that the burning has purpose

Someday it will come to some sort of end

Don't know why I'm fighting so hard for it,

Don't even know what it is

I'm trying and dying so I'm gonna stop lying

Instead of just speaking I'll try to be fine

Why don't we give it a shot?

Is the target really that far off?

All the people fall like leaves

Into a pile beneath the trees

But wasn't life beautiful from where we were?

On top of the forest dangling weak

We are wildly young and hopelessly brief

glow

I'm going to miss these days

We walk up a path, surrounded by trees

Cloudy breath makes the cold air part

I'm tripping over my toes frozen in my shoes

And I'm going to miss these days, I'm going to miss you

He stands by the colored flames, his face lifted high

The music resounding from the guitar

All the voices blending with the sparks

And she's standing across the way

Lifting her hands up to the stars

They're singing for Him like never before

Believing the words as they melt and they form

I'm going to miss these days

Her loud voice approaching behind me

And her bold heart cutting to the chase

Lifting me up, and 

He's blowing on a stick that barely glows

As if he knows

I'm huffing and puffing as hard as I can

But my life isn't going the way I had planned

But I'm glowing because I'm finding at hand

A story He's writing I can't comprehend

And she's running through the sparks 

And they're laughing off the tears

And he doesn't want to leave after so many years

And he blows the smoke in my face

And she and I decide to race

We're running for the heck of it

And I'm going to miss these days 

we are young

So if by the time

The bar closes

And you feel like falling down

I'll carry

You home

Tonight

seeds

how is it that we look at the stars and feel wanderlust, how is it that we are in awe of the heavens so much that we want to permeate them? how is it that we trust the ground we walk upon to stay suspended in the vast abyss we call 'space' because there's no other name that fits? how is it that we know murder is wrong despite our ever-varying sense of relative morality? how is it that ever since the dawn of time we have created deities for ourselves to worship? sometimes these deities are ourselves. we claim atheism but we all worship something, don't we? we all search for truth, we all search for pleasure, don't we? because even the meteors meet the dust eventually. we like to say that what we see is what we get, but we have the afterlife engrained into our being. how is it that eternity is always on our minds despite the clearly finite world we live in?

how is it that we put our entire trust in science? even a scientific theory or law can be disproved at any time can't it? spontaneous generation, telegony, the caloric theory, and classical elements, google them. all researched and trusted scientific theories that were eventually disproven. not to mention many others. watch the news. one day they're saying 'recent studies show that coffee is bad for you', the next day it's the opposite. science evolves, science changes and grows just like each and every one of us. genius scientific theories are 'born' and 'die' just like us humans, because nothing is certain, nothing is completely set in stone. but we say we can prove science. tell me, have we ever seen saturn, the planet? no, am i right? we've seen pictures, however. pictures aren't saturn; simply evidence that saturn exists. correct me if i'm wrong. we know that saturn is a gaseous planet and its rings are made up of ice. but how do we know that, no one has ever set foot on the planet. but we've proved it right? it's trusted right? some smart person discovered it, right? i say, if what we see is truly what we get, we can never know for sure what saturn is made of until we have seen it with our own eyes, felt it with our own hands. we say, seeing is believing, but even science can't see everything. even in science we must assume. 

i can't prove science to you. in fact, i can't prove anything. i can convince you with arguments and valid points, but i cannot prove anything. my point is, as you may have already assumed, i can't prove God to anyone.

but i can say that in everything we must have faith. in science we must have faith. in seeing, even, we must have faith. can we prove that humans exist? can we prove that we have thought and free will? we can see, but do our eyes deceive? if nothing is absolute, how can we be absolutely sure that we exist? is this all a dream? is reality real? it is not possible to believe in relative truth. saying 'there are no absolutes' sounds very absolute to me. 

there is faith, there is absolute truth. in discerning the truth and exercising faith is the issue, am i right?

we can't prove God, we can't prove science, we can't even prove our own existence. but we can ask questions. and we can experience things, wether these things are 'real' or not, we can feel them. and i have felt God's hand in my life, i have experienced His goodness and His going. my going, really. and although i am human and fallen, i have eternity set within me and satisfaction unlike any other i have found on earth. that's because that satisfaction is from God. 

i'm not going to waste time being stupid and trying to prove things. but please ask questions. i used to wonder why we always make space movies and travel to the moon. hah, we aren't from here folks. it's time we expand our minds and figure things out for ourselves, starting above and ending right here. tell me, does God exist? 

social anxiety

Why must you always sit alone?

I'm hypocritical, sorry

I do that thing too, you know 

Staring off into the distance 

Amid so many others

That half tranquil, half troubled look

Drawn on my face in sharpie

Because I'm sitting alone

Regardless of everyone else--

It's a mentality. 

Loneliness, I mean.

It's a choice, and I've chosen wrong

But don't follow my lead

We both know I'm stupid--

Just don't sit alone, don't grit your teeth

Don't clench your fists and cage the screams

Talk to me

star light, star bright, there is a God, hear me pray tonight

I can see one star through the trees

It's cold on the front porch but I don't want to leave

So I spill more in poetry than I should spill in leaves

My whole life I have to choose to actively believe

And here I am trying, reaching to percieve

A God I can't fathom, a page I can't read

It's a story, a sick tragedy, part of me thinks

How dare I think that my God is one strictly of comedy

But they talk about miracles that I'll crush with my teeth

My God is of love, my sin wants to compete

I'm singing thosewords, not sure what they mean

They're handing me confidence knitted with string

I asked for a stone and they gave me a screen

You can't rely on a world so desperately mean

I'm reaching, God, I'm reaching

Just like a tree

I can't quite understand, looks like you'll have to meet me

It's cold and it's dark, cancer stands unforgiving 

Here's to fighting without cause, here's to running and tripping

I won't beg for a miracle, but since you're there, please

Give me something to lean on, I'm screaming for peace

we both know what it's like to jump off the edge
was i praying someday our cliffs would connect?

Spectator

There's never any hope for the spectator

There's never any attention-

Because ugly folks like me

Desire it so fucking much, 

There is never any luck for the spectator

How do I put it?

The world doesn't run butterflies and love

But we paint a pretty picture

Without love we are nothing!

Oh, not just any love though,

The kind of romance and roses

Writing songs for each other

And second thoughts before bedtime

Love with stolen kisses and 

Spending every moment together

Love in a restaurant, love in a movie

Love in a Bible study

Love in our hearts, love for everybody,

Right?

Haha, that's where the pretty picture goes south. 

For a precious few, might I add. 

They tell me I am strong

And they tell me He is all I need

But then I am asked where my boyfriend is 

And why on earth I don't have one, I'm so pretty

Please. 

If pretty were the goal I would've put on eyeshadow to impress you

And worn clothes that make me feel something more than an ignorant bitch

Please. 

There is no love for the spectator, got it?

There are a hundred ships in the harbor,

I'm the one who owns it

But I only oversee, you see 

I don't spare precious pennies for me

Let's talk about selflessness, because I try to be

But I cut my mouth some slack and I do stupid things

Let's be honest I only care what one human thinks

But there's a million spoilers

And you can't read my mind 

So I let them spin cobwebs and lay eggs inside

I'll never say what I'm dying to

Because if it were that important one second

It won't be the next, that's how it goes in my head

But as much as I convince myself not to speak to you

Gosh, you're sewn into my skull 

Cross-stitched, because that's difficult

And still you stay engrained

I sure as hell ain't gonna let that fly again 

Because they force opinions down my throat 

And I force optimism down my throat

And my body contradicts what I believe

With every move, every stumble

And yet

There is never any hope for the spectator

There is never any love 

Because it's always me and not you

I need some confidence, there's some truth

Never mistake friendliness

For someone not being scared

And don't for a second believe

I'm saying what I think

There's only half of it squirting out, come on

There is never any love for the spectator 

Okay?

that's how the world works

Unluckily 

You can't read my mind

Cobwebs and flies

Stay trapped.

...Ah yes,
And then I was stressed

•music is my life•

Okay, so a very very long time ago I did this on my blog, along with a couple other people. Since then my taste in music has changed quite a bit so I figured I should do this list again just for fun. But if I'm the only one doing it things are gonna be a little awkward so you guys should do this too because I enjoy hearing other people's music choices! xD


A song from your childhood: More Than a Woman - The Bee Gees 
A song that reminds me of my parents: Faithfully - Journey
A song that calms me down: Thank You for the Venom - My Chemical Romance, or Seen It All Before - Bring Me The Horizon (Thank you for screaming and being angry so I don't have to)
A song that is always stuck in my head: What Do You Mean - Justin Bieber (Thank you JB for absolutely ruining the music industry)
A song that reminds me of my BFF: The One I Love - Greg Laswell, or Mother & Father - Broods
A song that makes me hopeful: I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
A song by my favorite band: Impossible to choose, but at the moment, Doubt - TØP 
A song on the soundtrack of my favorite movie: Mid Air - Paul Buchanan
The last song I heard: I'm Low on Gas and You Need a Jacket - Pierce the Veil (it was stuck in my head)
A song I love singing along to: Breath - Breaking Benjamin
A song that has made me cry: Everglow - Coldplay *ugly tears every single time*
A song I love but rarely listen to: Lemon Eyes - Meg Myers
Favorite song: Again, impossible, but at the moment, Make a Shadow - Meg Myers
A song that someone has sung to me (not in a creepy way, although it sure sounds creepy): Space Oddity - David Bowie
A song I cannot stand to listen to: Ah, there are many. Ex's and Oh's - Elle King
A song I could listen to all day: Avalanche - Bring Me The Horizon 

moriarty

"It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing."

*smirks*

Some of us just have tired minds,

That we can't turn off like the bedroom light

When we want to catch a minute of sleep 

Dog-eared pages we can't seem to flip through

Except at two in the morning

And there's always too much to remember

Too much even for poetry sometimes

(So here's a little secret.

When I think about you,

I ignore everything else.)

procrastinating at its finest

Spanish class looms over my head
Crowded head, might I add
So here I am writing useless poems
To kill time

So I don't have to say hola when class starts
Or think about homework
*turns on Spotify*

I jump, my pulse quickening

Hair fluttering behind my 

Raging skull

But there's no time left 

For me to remember 

Or regret 

I hit the water

My life shattering into countless pieces

My hair floating away

In the current, I used to

Grow it out only 

To chop it off again

This is what bad news feels like,

I'm not there to testify

But the bridge will suffice 

Limited

Pinch me, hard

Wake me up before I don't 

Reality has never been this good

But then again

It could all be a dream

Minutes turn to hours

As easily as a song

We could talk for an eternity

But we don't have that long 

if you ask

It was like staring into the sun and not caring that you're going to go blind someday.