life motto

"The longer you think, the less you know what to do"

--death cab for cutie

"My head is an animal..."

A rainy morning, heavy eyes

I wonder if you're awake yet

Because you're on my mind,

You're everything I stopped looking to find

I thought about all the things they say

Should I feel guilty, am I to blame?

But I wouldn't go back, not even to change

So I'll let them say discouraging things

I'll let them think they've affected me

There was a song stuck in my head,

Yesterday when I wished I was dead 

But the song wasn't mine so

I couldn't comply

Then your face was etched in the back of my mind

Today I have heavy eyes

But I figure it's fine

s m a l l

tell me what i would like to hear

end the silence i have saved for my fears

they will bring home the pictures

they will bring home the news

and i am keeping my distance from you

i try to make rhymes of how it starts

change the passwords to my hearts

two sides of me fight 

two sides of me breathe

i've always been itching and clawing to leave

the overcast sky reflects my mind

i'd like to be happy, but rather not blind

i can't undo the lines i've painted in ink

i can't go to the places i let myself forget

are we there yet, are we there yet?

are we there, can i sit still

are we there, can i sigh

are we there, can i really

make sense of it all?

i look up at the stars from memory's eye 

and feel nothing but small

Is it alright to be happy for no reason? 

Why did I feel like crying right then and there?

Why did she hug me and ask if I was okay, 

It confuses me when people feel bad for me. 

I miss having a mom, not a sick mom, or a sorry mom, or a maybe-today-she's-sane mom,

I miss that one person who will hug you and make sure you're okay 

Because deep down you both know you aren't. 

I miss her seeing through my facades.

I don't understand why they care so much to talk to me,

When I'm at my worst, and can't figure out why

Or how to get out of it. 

Must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed

Or drank poisoned coffee, right?

Must be because everything at home is a mess,

Or possibly because I'm just depressed and don't  care to confess,

I'll let you decide. 

I felt like crying right then and there

And it felt like old times

"Encompass worlds but never try to encompass me"

Can everything just stay the same?

Or hurry up and change,

Hurry up and change 

*deep breath*

It will all be okay

*deep breath*

Don't die today

*deep breath*

Who cares if they care

i walked into their room last night 

to say goodnight a bit too late

he was reading to her from a book on marriage

like nothing at all had changed

he had his reading glasses 

perched upon his nose

and she was snuggled up under the blankets

breathing slowly

and i knew he loved her the same

despite that i lost count of the months

since august

everywhere i look, something has changed.

my friends aren't as close as we used to be

i've got a job and not much time for family

even on mother's day

i call my nana on the phone and my eyes fill with tears

for no reason at all;

i wish i could tell her everything.

in stephanie's bed where we used to laugh

we talk about how relationships are hard

and love isn't what we thought it was,

although it's still worth it.

and with hannah i discuss work and how

it's weird having a full schedule for once.

with han i tell her how i want to leave all this change,

everything getting different and more complicated and 

(my poem's not rhyming anymore)

and she tells me she feels the same,

and maybe, just maybe,

if we do all the right things and say all the right words

our we'll come to life, right?

but that's not how things work.

i admire izzy because he's free.

doesn't need a magic experience or profound revelation

to be on fire in his everyday life,

he doesn't simply survive,

the joy radiates from his face 

and his new tattoo

and his homeless hair

and how he doesn't care what anyone thinks

save for his Jesus

i've always wanted to ask him what his secret is,

what his secret is to being like the birds my mom loves so much,

but i have a feeling he would tell me something

i already know.

some lessons you have to learn yourself.

and some things i don't want to let go of.

the killers ~ shot at the night

"Once in a lifetime, we're breaking all the rules
To find that our home, has long been out grown
Draw me a life line, 'cause honey I got nothing to lose
Once in a lifetime (Once in a lifetime)
Once in a lifetime

Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night
Give me a moment, some kind of mysterious
Give me a shot at the night"

Beat

And the pulsing of the bass in the backseat bombards my ears like a blast from the past
I'm tired, I'm human.
70 miles per hour in the heavy night has never felt so right
And going against the grain pains me sometimes
So I won't impede the flow of traffic, for now at least
I'm praying to be caught--
As the catchiness of this meaningless rap grabs for my attention
And a motorcycle risks its paint job and passenger to speed ahead of us,
And the greed of my own heart astounds me
Listen to me! Listen.
We all want to be heard, and I the most
So for now I coast
Perhaps for life, perhaps for breath
Perhaps to speed myself to death
Or a ticket, which at my pay rate, is basically the same thing.
My hair smells like her shampoo, my clothes smell like coffee
My feet fidget in the backseat, this car smells too new
And who I am isn't quite… me
I come home exhausted, with more work to do
Way too much on my mind, trying to navigate my life like the GPS in her car,
Only, I haven't read the owner's manual
And this technology is foreign to the way my brain is wired
I'm tired, I'm human, I'm beat.
Light my way like the brights I can't use on IH-20
Because I've got to be more than they tell me I am,
I want to prove I can stay strong
And I have zero excuses
Save for my breaking ears
And the fact that I'm human

My heart is breaking, I'm wondering

Did we mess something up?

She says, "it's a rollercoaster but

It's for the one you love"