"Feel, feel like you still have a choice" 

I feel so at home 

Working away the afternoon,

Passing hours in my house

Feel like a tomb

But here, it's natural. 

Another drink, another smile

Rinse the machines,

Toss the grounds in a pile

Find your place,

Playfully race,

There's a way 

To be okay

And nothing has to be fine 

In your own mind

But you can still find 

Joy in the inevitable

In the consistency

In the steaming of the milk the same way

Over and over again--

I miss routine

I miss trying to be

Better

"I know nothing's wrong but I'm not convinced"

passing away

Everyone wears black
To mirror their insides
They want back what was taken
Selfish hearts beat, breaking

Their loved one has gone
So the love has died
Give them something to lean on,
Kleenex in the church pews

They're thinking of the one
In the coffin
How to live without,
How to die without
Warning

And I have passed away
Much in the same way
But wear whatever you want
While you mourn

Wear purple for the fun we used to have
Wear blue for how easily I cried
Wear red for the way I slowly faded
Red, orange, purple, then blue, then pink

I will become a sunset for you to stare at;
I will make something beautiful out of this passing.

I have tumbled into a better place
Heaven or Hell?
Decide for yourself,
But love hasn't died

Let me live on in cups of coffee and in hidden café's
Amid cities of freedom and people of chains
Graffiti me onto the bridges so they won't jump off:
Life only means passing away

Think about me
Wildly free
How to live without,
How to smile without
Hesitation

Think about passing
Completely blind
How to die without
Fear
How to leap without
Looking--

Look for me in my coffin.
Look for me in the places I used to be.

Say goodbye, one last hug, kiss goodnight,
Walk away slowly, glance back,
Think about how your mind is turning black,
You're all losing me, it makes me laugh
Here's a can of paint for when you feel bad

nine

We stayed up until the storm rolled in

He was so excited when he convinced me

To read Percy Jackson

And for some reason, all my tears came to a halt

As if I was I kid again

Free and wildly ecstatic

About something completely useless

ceilings ~ local natives

"Hold the summer in your hands
'Til the summer turns to sand
We were staring at our ceilings"

Why do I let them have that much power over me? Why does every failure have to be a nail in my coffin? Why can't I hope?

I can't do it on my own. 

But I feel so alone. 

i think that it will be okay. don't ask why, i don't want to sound stupid when i say, "because it feels right."

i tried to write a happy song
it ended up being sad
why is it that good intentions
end up going bad?

They build barbed wire fences

Where houses should be--

I miss you like a photo album

Filled with pieces of the past

And I touch you like a gravestone,

Must love always die?

They build cemeteries in meadows

Where flowers would grow

Now the blue bonnets sprout

Among corpses centuries old

When will the easy thing

Become what is right?

I'm trying to keep untainted sight

The tears won't come tonight

freaking Coldplay

"For you I'd wait till kingdom come; until my days, my days are done--say you'll come, and set me free, just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me"

"I hear you laugh, I heard you sing, I wouldn't change a single thing"

can someone teach me how to stop time?
i look back on the past and wonder if what i did was right
i look back on yesterday and it went by so fast
i can hear your voice on the phone when i close my eyes

can someone teach me how to stop time?
ben asks if he can sleep in my room again,
i said no but then sneak back thirty minutes later in regret
yes, always yes, you little dear
he writes little songs for a shallow girl who won't ever hear
i always knew he'd turn up just a little bit like me
he's almost double-digits and it feels like a daydream

can someone teach me how to stop time?
we're all working now, pretending we're fine
"nana's little girls" have busy lives
i know it pains her that we're growing up
chocolate milk and donuts don't feel like enough
though we still drink from the old longhorn cups

can someone teach me how to stop time?
she posts pictures on her blog and it strikes a chord in my mind
that all our forevers were hopelessly finite
eternities lost in a camera lens
and we'll want to turn back the clock to "back then"
when did our souls grow old?
when did the sky get dark?
when did the tune of this tragic song
sync up with the beat of my heart?
when did relationships get hard?
when did we not know how to describe
the stuff that is going on in our lives,
so please, someone teach me how to stop time
before it runs out and i realize i was blind

i miss you like the way i miss yesterday
i miss you every time i tell myself it will be okay
i miss you like the grandfather clock in my mind
i don't want us to run out of time
i'm scared i'll look back and realize i was blind
let's not mess this up, i'm trying not to cry
can you teach me how to stop the time?

ed sheeran ~ wake me up

"I should ink my skin with your name
And take my passport out again
And just replace it
See I could do without a tan
On my left hand,
Where my fourth finger meets my knuckle
And I should run you a hot bath
And fill it up with bubbles

'Cause maybe you're loveable
And maybe you're my snowflake
And your eyes turn from green to gray
In the winter I'll hold you in a cold place
And you should never cut your hair
'Cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder

And you will never know
Just how beautiful you are to me
But maybe I'm just in love
When you wake me up…"

I ponder of something great

*It's funny how at 1 am you can be super deep and sorrowful and then watch a 27-minute YouTube video about awkward moments and laugh your head off and then start saying stupid things and rambling on and on to yourself while your sister is already halfway asleep across the room and could care less that you're talking to her cuz that's my life*

*also coffee*

Time machine

I want to go back to one moment. The family had eaten dinner out in the backyard, at our picnic table. It was late May, hot and sunny. We all shared our hopeful plans for the summer, visiting colleges and going on vacation and whatnot. We laughed. And I can't often recall what Mom was like healthy, but I remember her in that moment. Head thrown back in laughter, squinting at the sky, naming the birds. She stands infinite in my memory only in that instance, making plans on the precipice of summer. 

I know that it will be summer in heaven. There will be picnic tables and birds, and she will be forever. 

[songs]

I stole this prompt from lovely Emily's blog, hers is better ;)

Your favorite song: (at the moment) Who Knows Who Cares by Local Natives
Your least favorite song: ah, they are far too numerous…
A song that makes you happy: Tunnel by The Used
A song that makes you sad: Without the Bitter the Sweet isn't as Sweet by Mayday Parade
A song that reminds you of someone: S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W/ by My Chemical Romance
A song that reminds you of somewhere: The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert
A song that reminds you of a certain event:What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie
A song you know all the words to: I'll Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
A song that you can dance to: I can't dance
A song that makes you fall asleep: Soul's Lament by Philip Wesley
A song from your favorite band: Taxi Cab by Twenty One Pilots
A song from a band you hate: oh goodness, there's quite a few.
A song that no one would expect you to love: Irreplaceable by Beyoncé
A song that describes you: U.F.O. by Coldplay (or What If by Coldplay)
A song that you used to love, but now hate: I'm with Em on this one. Stressed Out by TØP
A song you often hear on the radio: First by Cold War Kids
A song you wish you heard on the radio: None. The radio overplays everythinggggg!
A song from your favorite album: Glass Houses by The Classic Crime
A song that you listen to when you're angry: Thank You For The Venom by My Chemical Romance
A song that you listen to when you're happy: Angels by Owl City, Step Out by José González, or Midnight by M83
A song you listen to when you're sad: Stay by Mayday Parade, Cancer by My Chemical Romance, City of Orphans by The Classic Crime, Jessica by Regina Spektor, and many others
A song that you want to play at your wedding: Faithfully by Journey (I will most certainly cry), A Message by Coldplay, and The Luckiest by Ben Folds (more tears)
A song you want to play at your funeral: Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC, Young, Wild, and Free by Snoop Dogg, and Don't Let it Break Your Heart by Coldplay
A song that makes you laugh: So What by Pink
A song that you can play on an instrument: I learned Don't by Ed Sheeran once
A song that you wish you could play: The End Of All Things by P!ATD
A song from your childhood: Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees
Your favorite song this time of last year: who knows xD

and for a split second i thought i would write

but my feelings were too deep for words

the music describes it better

the music describes it better

take two

isn't He doing incredible things?
show me again, because I wasn't looking

Purpose

I am not here to be sad,

I am not here to write books

Like my family wishes I would.

I am not meant to be lazy,

Nor a workaholic,

I am not here to find myself in a college degree. 

Someday I may dance for Jesus

On the streets of heaven,

But here my calling is not dance,

Or anything requiring grace for that matter. 

I am not meant to be a mom,

Though I do wish to have kids. 

My calling is not to do wonderful things,

Maybe I should let God do them

Lest I mess things up

But I am not here for self-pity

Or toget depressed over love,

I am not here to lay around

Feeling hopeless with wanderlust,

I don't know what my purpose is

Or exactly why I breathe 

But maybe I'll narrow it down 

--Eventually 

The thing is, do I really need a plan?

I am alive, halfway well,

So I take the next step He tells

And for the rest I'll have to wait

It all requires patience, but that's okay

Maybe I'll find my purpose along the way

the truth

She tries to take on the world and fucks it all up. I sit far away, he accuses me of avoiding her and I do. He never cares to ask why, but I guess it's my fault for not admitting my sins first. In the solitude of my own mind, I remember holding her hand in the cold ICU room, how alone I felt, how earnestly I prayed. I remember the fear of my mom dying not being irrational. And I think over the past few weeks, try to count how many times I've told everyone that she's doing so well. What else am I supposed to tell them? That she's trying so hard to be my mother and she can't do it? That I can barely stay patient and can't find comfort even in prayer for healing? That sometimes it feels like God has fallen under the same oblivion as everyone else in my life? Because she isn't better, as much as I like to tell myself she is.

The cancer owns her and we are all enslaved to it.

She is a puppet dangled in front of me every day, taunting me. Oh, it's a fantastic look-alike. But if you look closely, you'll notice the vague differences.

She wants me to rely on her, treat her like a mother. She wants me to ask her before I do things and stop living life on my own. She wants me to trust her. Well trust me, I want to. Does she know how much she isn't the same? Does she know how much I miss her? Does she know that even the family has fallen victim to the lies? She is not as self-sufficient as she likes to think, and I am left to pick up the slack. We are telling themselves it's okay in hopes that it will be.

It's hard to believe it ever will.

The thing is, though we have our differences, me and my mom are exactly the same person. Hopelessly emotional, irrational, deathly ill with afflictions we can and can't help. I have tried to take on the world and fucked it all up. And maybe that's why I'm so angry at her; I'm angry at myself just the same.

So what even is the point of writing this?

It's the truth, and I'm sick of trying to fool myself. (Although I am pretty damn good at it.)

soft

She has a soft heart in a city of facades,

Everyone wants to be strong,

But she knows it's okay to be kind

She hides her tears behind her eyes

She is an escapist, but also a nurse

Trying to heal all the others' hurts

And we're all interested in our own ideals

Until she shows it's okay to heal

Not all wounds will turn into scars

And her smile isn't affected by her wishes on stars

She paints flowers on the broken jars

Don't call her naive, she'll never be

Don't call her weak, do you not see?

She sees all the lost and doesn't sit back

And she's richer than us all

selfless

Do they even know how strong she is?

No, they never will, but I do. 

She quietly suffers and cares for those around her

Like a soft breeze on a stagnant day,

And I have not often heard her complain

And when she does, it's all okay

Because she feels things deeply and I feel the same

But she doesn't often take time for herself

In the silence of the night, she'll stay up late in thought

She'll feel lonely and won't be able to shut her brain off

And I'll think of her long rants and vague sentences and try

To telepathically write her a note

But it will never be enough for her,

Because I can't be there

Other than a text or rambling prayers 

Does she know how badly I want to give her a hug and encourage her?

No, she never will, but I do. 

Does she know that her smiles could light up a room?

Does she know that it will all be okay soon?

Does she know I want to tell her that this poem is for her?

No, she never will, but I do. 

It's as if life was like, "gosh, i'm sick of making so much sense" and decided to run away and be this hippie high school dropout rather than tell me what to do with all these lemons.

I can't write all the things I want to say

Even in metaphors I won't make myself plain

Why can't I shut up? People don't want to hear

The sorrows I am holding dear

(Oh dear) Someday I will awake

And realize these doubts were only fake

[a deep poem I wrote like two years ago and suddenly found in my journal]

The patches on my jeans

Will go down in history

As what laced me together

When you were not around

Words printed on my shirt

Remain the place I find my worth

Cuz when you aren't there

It's all I wear

When I sleep

Tell me I'm wrong 

When I say you're all I need

Cuz my stomach tells me

I am supposed to leave

Scattergories with the Vikes

"The category is, medicines/drugs!"

Ben- "ooh---- meth!!!"

*entire family applauds and gives him complete credit for the glorious correct answer*

"Next category, tools!"

Me: "justice."

*has to argue with entire family about the metaphorical meaning of how justice is a valuable tool in society, and still doesn't get credit*

local hero

who would ever know

that the brightest guy alive

struggles to figure out

a reason to fight

who would ever know

that he needed to retreat,

the one put on a pedestal

expected to lead

we don't know his story,

not the way he does.

making jokes about his past

may become a nice mask

but who would ever know

that his thoughts run too fast,

we take time to attend

and our own opinions bend

but empathy is something

we haven't learned yet

teach us, we beg

but who would ever know

he needs teaching himself

"give him wide eyes

to see all you've done

if a prayer makes a difference,

please listen to this one

he stands strong, not alone

he's found his purpose, his home

he teaches and loves

but don't we all know

that isn't enough?

show him Your hand,

help him get through the valley

carved out for him

he's sad, surely tired

look, his humanity's showing

but we were not capable of knowing"

who would ever know?

a precious few,

but with our prayers and an emptiness

we'll ask fulfillment for you

since when do i put filters on my memories?
this one is called, "gone too fast."
it's the color of my feelings for you.

mayday parade ~ i'd rather make mistakes than nothing at all

"This is so messed up, but if you give me all your love
Then we'll show angels up above,
That we can make it out alive, God willing,"

i wish…

- that i was a punk rocker

- that i could buy out the entire vans store

- that i could be as cool as evan

- that people could appreciate each other more

- the world was rid of stupidity and people who go thirty mph on the entrance ramp to the highway

- i lived in california

- texas would secede xD

- my sister wouldn't tell me things i don't know about TØP 

- school didn't rule our lives so much

- people were worth more than their looks

- hope didn't have to miss [certain individual]

- that grace would realize how incredible she is

- my chemical romance would get back together

- heartbreak was a myth

- that love at first sight wasn't stupid

- jillian and i could get together for coffee

- the classic crime could tone down the amazing 

- my thoughts weren't so oppressive

- everyone could achieve their dreams as easily as kip can find his soulmate

have you ever felt like a waste of air?
if you slipped out of sight that no one would care?
have you ever wanted to cut off the supply,
as if the sort of pain would change and you'd be able to die
at peace?
it's all okay, i know it's just me
drifting closer to the brink of utter insanity
and who do i call who would want to stop and share
the sorrows of a lazy waste of air?
if you've ever felt like the world can turn without you--
trust me it can
but no one has the same sort of lungs as you--
enjoy breathing while it's not a chore
and i would prefer it if you ignored
me

the classic crime ~ city of orphans

"We take all the good in the heaven around us and turn it to hell"

everything will last longer than we want it to,
every moment cut short
will linger in memory
for eternity

hey

I thought about taking a picture of the street sign and how it glowed against the sunlight and the dancing trees. The brick in the buildings created the perfect contrast to the bright green, and the silence of the moment stood powerfully in the way.

But instead, we'll just have to go there, if we can. I will point out how beautiful everything looks, and then I'll catch you in the frame of the picture when you aren't paying attention.

The thing is, it still won't be quite as beautiful in my camera roll as it was in my sight. Is anything? I must stop defining, and start living more.

I roll the windows down and breathe in the air like it's the last swelling of my lungs.

I don't know what kind of answer I am looking for. Does it matter so much anymore? I am breathing in the air and riding alone in the world, unnoticed by society and all its lines. I am simply existing. Simply living as a human while dreaming as something more. We strive for perfection, that's okay. It will all be okay with time. If only the answer I seek were as clear as the sky above me, and the pavement beneath the tread of the tires. But even as it isn't, I am content. There is something freeing in being able to roll with the swaying of the waves when they come. I think I've discovered that, now let's nail it into my brain:

I will wait, I will wait, I will wait, I will wait.

I will wait in complete and utter silence, I will listen to the sound of my gifted breath and think of you across town. I will dream of crossing paths as much as I push boundaries, and I will dream of letting large things be and pulling the little things close. I will go to sleep and rest. I will refuse worry like an unwanted friend. (we've all had those)

I will wait, I will wait, I will wait, I will wait.

sidenote

silence speaks louder than words. (i've gotta use it wisely.)

{thoughts on prayer}

*God is God, regardless of you. Praise Him as such.*
*recognize that you are human.*
*ask for the impossible.*

quiet

It's currently the gosh-awful hour of 2 am, and I know exactly why I'm awake, it is that lovely frozen coffee drink I had at chickfila this afternoon. So here I am, really experiencing what regret feels like. Eating chips ahoy. Snuggled up on the couch. In complete silence. 

Why is it that I always like to fill the silence? With music, talking, writing, just using up all the empty spaces in life with words. I seems a bit unfair. There's a time and a place for quiet moments, but in this day and age I believe we've forgotten how to slow down and recognize the beauty of life through silence. 

(The fact that I'm breathing is a miracle in and of itself.)

Have we ever noticed anything? Truly noticed? In sitting here without music or really any heavy thought, (after all, my mind went to sleep hours ago after crying over The Intern beside a sleeping Grace) I notice my sisters giggling in the back room. I also notice the hum of the fridge and the sounds of the FM road outside my neighborhood. My phone casts an eerie glow on the ceiling, as does the night light carefully placed in the hall. (Why even is it there? So our guardian angels don't trip over the edge of the rug or the stray pair of shoes?) And the clock keeps ticking. Not literally, but if I listen hard enough, I can envision the sound of my nana's grandfather clock counting down the hours till morning. 

See? Silence can be useful. How else would I be able to appreciate the simple things in life? The casual, subtle things that I brush aside subconsciously every single day. The beautiful details.

My sisters have stopped their chatter, and Grace hasn't stirred in a while, I suppose they're asleep now.

And lonliness is a funny thing.